Difference between limerence, romantic attraction, and new relationship energy
Understanding the subtleties
People often get confused by the difference between limerence, romantic attraction, and new relationship energy. It’s rather easy to get confused because a lot of these states have similar neurochemical firings going off in our brain which douse us in feelings of pleasure (dopamine), heightened focus (norepinephrine), and the feel-good tingles of bonding (oxytocin).
There are some important distinctions, however, and if you really want to get a handle on your limerence it can be useful to recognize these differing states in an embodied way so that you know how to proceed in which context. This means, knowing how to read your bodily cues and mental patterns both when around your LO and when apart from them, as well as leaning into your intuition rather than your anxiety.
I used to think that limerence and new relationship energy were one in the same. I thought that limerence was just new relationship energy that became thwarted and turned sour based on the inability for reciprocation, however, it if it were to be mutual, it would just become a more heightened, intense version of the honeymoon stage of falling in love.
In some ways, I wasn’t wrong. Limerence is a more heightened, intense version of falling in love, but the reality is that the intensity is so high that it becomes untenable. Our nervous systems have a hard time holding that amount of intensity and dysregulation which makes it difficult to turn limerence into a healthy relationship, even if mutual.
I have had the opportunity to experience multiple versions of limerence and was able to play them all out to their respective ends: mutual limerence, unrequited limerence, and then a healthy non-limerent honeymoon stage of a relationship. Embodying each experience allowed me to track and notice the different qualities of my thoughts, the different sensations in my body, and the different emotional landscape.
Again, there are some interesting similarities in all of these states, but the differences are integral because they determine whether the situation is workable and in which direction to focus our energy. How we respond to these different situations will be a topic for another day, but for now, let’s try to really break down and get clear on what constitutes romantic attraction, limerence, and new relationship energy.
Romantic attraction and limerence look very similar in the beginning stages, but what veers off from romantic attraction and becomes limerence is two different potential indicators:
1. An overwhelming infatuation which develops the moment you lay your eyes on a person and before you know anything about them in reality. This is recognizable due to the power of the intensity and the immediacy of the experience. It is normal to find strangers we don’t know attractive or alluring, but if it feels overpowering and intense, then this is a sign some type of projection has been activated within you which we will later learn is a common limerence component.
2. Sometimes limerence can form not from an immediate overpowering infatuation, but from a natural process of romantic attraction getting blocked due to barriers. Romantic attraction which can progress either to intimacy or rejection allows for a natural resolution, however, if barriers get in the way (such as one or both people being married and unavailable, living apart in a different country, coworkers who are not allowed to date, being too afraid to tell the person you have feelings for them, or an LO who is giving off hot and cold signals) this blocks resolution, intensifies the emotions to an unhealthy obsession due to unconscious reinforcing behaviors and becomes difficult to reset the nervous system at this point.
So, let’s look at the factor that underlies both of these indicators as well as all of limerence. The intensity of the experience. This is what causes most people who first experience limerence to assume there is something special, cosmic, or soul-mate level about their LO.
In reality, the intensity is not due to the person being more special, more compatible, or because of some ineffable soulmate quality. I’m not here to argue that soulmates do or don’t exist, although maybe I would redefine the common definition of what a soulmate means. I believe that people may enter our lives for a reason and there are many ways the universe invites us to grow, including through people who mirror or activate our wounds.
Not exactly the walk into the sunset and feel happy forever vibes of our childhood fantasies through, is it? No, in reality, soulmates seem to be a painful reckoning of our deepest longings, fears, betrayals, wounds, and hopes. Rather than being the answer to our problems, they tend to awaken us to the start of our journey towards healing. In my experience, they are not the answer, but rather the invitation.
But, what I’m suggesting is that the intensity of the limerent experience isn’t because of them at bottom, but because they happen to trigger and reflect deep, subconscious needs within ourselves. They are the symbol of either what is deeply familiar, what we severely lacked, or what we disown and crave in ourselves and instead project onto others. However, it is that very intensity which makes it so hard to work with and integrate. It sends our nervous systems into dysregulation, and the force of it makes the slow work of titration nearly impossible (titration is a therapeutic process of slowly confronting and integrating trauma in order to avoid flooding and re-traumatization). It throws us against our limits again and again, and generally we end up feeling like we are drowning in the experience. Mutual or not.
In fact, dating experts have found that the most successful and long-term relationships are actually when we experience attraction at the 5, 6, or 7 level rather than the 8, 9, or 10 level.1 This is because the intensity of such attraction creates more frequent and extreme triggers (strong nervous system dysregulation), as well as increases our likelihood of ignoring red flags and engaging in people-pleasing or hiding behaviors which impede genuine intimacy. In order for us to be able to successfully practice our skills, communicate our needs and desires, and stay grounded in our bodies, we need the stakes to be high but not life or death high. Limerence is the most life or death of them all.
It feels like if we lose our LO, we will die. This is a pretty extreme pressure on the beginning of a relationship and makes it extremely difficult to engage in healthy behaviors because our deeply wired survival mechanisms get triggered again and again, even if we manage to attain reciprocation.
Obviously, many experiences of limerence don’t end in reciprocation and mutual limerence remains just a painful dream. What I’m trying to point to, however, is the unworkability of limerence for true long-term, successful partnership in any capacity. I would never say it’s impossible. Just, highly unlikely due to the previously outlined factors (intensity of nervous system dysregulation, eventual disappointment of the projection, strong need for emotional reciprocation leading to subconscious controlling/manipulative reactions despite our best intentions and preventing true intimacy).
So, what does new relationship energy feel like then? How can you know you can trust it? We will do a deeper dive in the next post, however, for now I will just say whereas limerence is like a jealous mistress who only wants you to feel good when you are solely feeding her, new relationship energy actually enhances, strengthens and gives to other areas of your life and self as well.
In limerence, we feel powerless, even when the powerlessness feels euphoric at times. In new relationship energy, we remain grounded in choice.
Ruth L. Schwartz, PH.D. and Michelle Murrain, PH.D.
Wow. Such a helpful and eye opening breakdown of what limerent energy looks like vs healthy, new relationship energy. Thank you.
Agree. “They are the symbol of either what is deeply familiar, what we severely lacked, or what we disown and crave in ourselves and instead project onto others. However, it is that very intensity which makes it so hard to work with and integrate. It sends our nervous systems into dysregulation, and the force of it makes the slow work of titration nearly impossible.”
It is nearly impossible. As for the episodes that do start out romantically and fail due the the extreme intensity of the Limerent person - the effort towards titration become overlapping with feelings of extreme disbelief, regret, humiliation and shame about nearly every aspect of the episode; internal and external. The inability to “steer” the relationship towards a favorable outcome compounds rejection into what feels like catastrophic failure. Which it sometimes becomes based on the extents the Limerent person goes to blindly obtain the LO’s reciprocation or provoke a final rejection.