Impact of limerence

Continued dive into limerence vs. new relationship energy

We left off examining the two seemingly similar states of limerence and attraction, which has the ability to confuse us if we don’t familiarize ourselves with how the states differ, but, some of us may still be wondering where does that leave new relationship energy?

Where does it fall on the spectrum? Have we ever even experienced it? How can we trust that we are in it? And enjoy it without fearing that we have fallen back into limerence? Is it possible to feel a high around love without all of the painful lows that limerence brings?

Yes and no. But mostly, yes. New relationship energy does provide a feel good neurochemical cocktail that has us feeling like we are walking on clouds. Similar to limerence, it activates that same reward pathway part of our brain that mimics the experience of being on a drug. And, the good new is new relationship energy is a very normal and natural beginning stage of falling in love with someone. Also similar to limerence, it doesn’t tell us anything about our actual long-term compatibility or the sustainability of the relationship, however, that’s not it’s job. It’s purpose is about finding and falling in love, not maintaining love.

So, the major elements we can look for to determine whether it’s new relationship energy or limerence is going to be:

1)    Mutuality

2)    Intensity (determined via impact)

If it’s not mutual, it’s definitely not new relationship energy, as the honeymoon stage requires two willing participants. This one’s pretty straightforward and easy to diagnose right away.

If it is mutual, however, and something still seems off, then we come to our next indicator. The intensity of the experience (you can read more about how important this factor is for limerence in my last post). It’s hard to define intensity by the depth or feeling of one’s emotions, because not only is that a very subjective measure, but it also stands to reason that one can have immeasurably deep feelings of love and tenderness in healthy states of romance as well. So instead, we want to determine the intensity of the experience by the level of impact that it is having on our nervous systems, behaviors, mental states, and overall lives.

When we are in doubt about whether we are experiencing limerence or new relationship energy, one of the easiest ways to determine is to look at the impact it is bringing to our lives: new relationship energy enhances, gives, and strengthens, while limerent energy takes away.

This requires us to be searingly honest with ourselves because the euphoria and loyalty of limerence will make us want to rationalize that it is giving, that it is adding to our lives. But if we truly slow down and look at each area we will begin to see that by its very nature it actually takes. It takes our focus, it takes our power, it takes our time, it takes the space in our minds, it takes our emotions, it takes our control.

It might feel like it gives us creativity and energy, but if we look closely that creativity is only in the service of the limerence. The creativity does not exist on its own and it crumbles the minute the limerent object is no longer there. In fact, the same energy that we use to create art or inspiration with them as our “muse,” strangely saps all motivation when we attempt to write about or create something that is not about them or the limerent experience itself.

In reality, limerent energy is in a closed loop which can only focus and feed on itself. That energy is funneled into never-ending obsessive thoughts, dialogues, and rehearsals. That energy is funneled into improving ourselves for the limerent object, whether by shaping our bodies, our interests, or our qualities to better fit an image they would find attractive or into fantasies of creating something with them which would tie our worlds together indeterminately (i.e. a never-ending hookup to our energy source). When it is limerence, they become the source of our energy. That energy owns us in a way that some small, hidden part of us knows is an assault to our freedom and dignity, but whether we allow that part of us to have a voice and be heard is another matter.

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Whereas, with new relationship energy, it feeds true creativity, it does not require complete possession. It allows you to pour energy into other things as well: your work, your hobbies, your friends. In fact, it enhances and makes those things more enjoyable, not less. You can stay present and energized both in their company and in the company of others. The price is not having to choose, or to lose oneself. You can still enjoy pleasant daydreams about them in your mind, but you can also choose to stop and focus on something else when you want to. You can still show up engaged in other areas of your life, you just have an extra pep in your step while you do so.

Limerence, the jealous mistress who only wants you to feel good when you are solely feeding her, requires you to start giving up more and more of everything else, until there is nothing left but the pursuit of more of that feeling.

Like all addictions, you cannot maintain health when there is so much imbalance. You are completely beholden to the whims of something that is external to you and which you don’t have any control over. Because it feels so good, so powerful, and so “right,” our mind comes up with rationalizations and stories about why this is the case and why we should continue to let it take over our lives. Who would we be without it, without them? If that is hard to imagine, we are already deep in its clutches.

So, again, when in doubt, don’t just look at the way they make you feel and the strength of your affection for the person. Look at all of the other areas of your life and the impact it is having (your health, your friendships, your career, your emotions, your mental state, your finances, your family, your spirituality)- does it enhance your life? Or does it slowly begin to take over?