What counts as limerence?

Unpacking the definition of limerence

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There are a lot of different opinions and discussions in the limerence community about what constitutes limerence and what does not.

A lot of people in the limerence community will tell you that it can only be limerence if the experience is unrequited.

A lot of people in the limerence community will tell you that it can only be limerence if you are single and not already in a relationship.

A lot of people in the limerence community will tell you that it can only be limerence if you do not actually know or have a friendship with the person.

A lot of people in the limerence community will tell you that only chronic limerent sufferers with a trauma background can experience limerence.

After reading all the books on limerence, pouring through all the research articles on limerence, and working for multiple years with a wide range of clients who self-report as having limerence, I have a different view.

I believe that limerence can happen when we are young and before we’ve ever even experienced a relationship, I believe that limerence can happen when we are stuck in the dating stage for years and cycling in and out of unhealthy push-pull dynamics, I believe that limerence can happen when we are pining after an ex that got a way years ago, I believe that limerence can happen when we project onto a stranger and pine silently in lonely agony, I believe that limerence can happen for someone else when we are already married or in a relationship, I believe that limerence can sneak up on us with a friend in our lives, I believe that limerence can at times be mutual and lead to a (sometimes) long-term relationship and (more often) disaster breakdown of a separation, I believe that limerence can occur chronically as a coping mechanism for our trauma, and I believe that limerence can happen with a relatively high functioning individual with no history of trauma.

Why? Because limerence by its nature is a brain state. It has a higher likelihood to be triggered within certain brains (just as anxiety and ADHD do), and it definitely requires certain conditions (a subconscious spark and some form of uncertainty), but it doesn’t exclude it from being able to show up in many different contexts for many different types of people.

I believe this because I work with these people in my limerence coaching practice and I have seen all forms and dynamics of limerence. The up to this point healthy one-time-experiencers of limerence, the chronic long-suffering attachment wounded experiencers of limerence, the single unrequited longing experiencers of limerence, the 20 years married and suddenly feeling like a completely different person experiencers of limerence, and the painfully trapped in a one-sided friendship for years experiencers of limerence.

The thing that unites all of these people and all of these stories together are not the details and the circumstances, but the very real, very unmistakable similarity in how they are perceiving their reality (the specific thought patterns, thought loops and rationalizations, the painfully intense emotional states that are out of their control, the way they talk about their experience, the words they choose and the meaning their limerent state gives it, the physiological dysregulation, the deep shame that accompanies the loss of control, the loss of hope in other options or other alternative narratives, the life or death panic that grips them at the thought of letting their limerence go at the same time that they cannot imagine surviving one more second with it ruling their lives).

They are all experiencing life in a very specific, very powerful, singularly focused brain state which has taken over access to other parts of themselves. And I promise you, they are all in a state of acute distress and pain.

Will a person who is happily married and who suddenly develops limerence in their later life have different considerations, struggles, and sticking points than someone who has never managed to get in a long-term relationship at all despite their best efforts due to a lifetime of attachment, limerent fantasy, and trauma blocks? Undoubtedly.

This is also why I view limerence as such a uniquely personal journey for each and every one of us. What works for one might not even make sense in the context of another’s life.

However, the brain state that unites us is still valuable to isolate and recognize. There are many parallels, insights, and moments that we are able to connect to and gain wisdom from each other’s journeys. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had an ‘aha moment’ listening to a client have an insight about their limerent experience which on paper might look very different from my own. Because the reality is the external circumstances might differ, but the heaviness in our heart and the mental exhaustion of trying to fight something day after day that often feels hopeless is the same.

I think the limerence community likes to separate people who experience limerence in more favorable contexts such as when it’s mutual or when it’s only one time, or when it’s just in the beginning stages of love, because it feels vastly different than what they have been experiencing and the devastating impact on their lives.

And I agree with that. There is a huge difference between someone who has had one episode of limerence in their life which was disorienting and painful but wrapped up within a year versus someone whose entire life has been or continues to be derailed by this brain state. Just as there is a big difference between someone who experiences anxiety every once and awhile as a normal human state we are prone to enter into versus someone who is cripplingly debilitated by their anxiety over many years.

However, that does not mean it’s not showing up in the body as anxiety.

This remains true for most brain states. There is always a spectrum.

I don’t worry about the vast differences on the spectrum of limerent experiences because I know that people will self-select themselves out of the limerence community if they don’t need it. In fact, in order to even have taken the time to type into google, research, and come upon the term limerence is already a natural self-selection. The people who find the limerence communities are there for a reason. They couldn’t take it anymore. They are suffering. And that’s all I think we need to trust in order to see their experience and definition of limerence as valid.

To me, limerence is a human state that can show up in many lives and in many different ways. The uniqueness of what binds the people who go online to search the term and find support is that we have found the state to have gotten to a point of unbearable magnitude. At this point, feeling understood by the well-meaning people in our lives tends to be difficult. Because we have crossed the normal state of limerence that many a human might encounter, and come face to face with it’s darker side.

P.s. I haven’t touched on the many spouses who come seeking out the limerence community because they believe their spouse who is having an affair has entered a limerent state. I believe this is a different issue maybe to be discussed at a later date. (If you’re interested-let me know)

P.p.s. What is your personal definition of limerence? Do you agree or disagree with my view? Let me know in the comments below!

P.p.p.s. If you’re interested in learning more about my limerence coaching services, you can find out more here.