Limerence may not invent the evidence. It alters the scale.
One tender moment becomes large enough to house a future; months of inconsistency are reduced to background noise. The facts remain real, but their proportions no longer are.
Healing may begin when the beautiful fragment is allowed to stay beautiful without being promoted into a verdict.
We idealize the small positive aspects and overlook the negative ones, always searching for a reason to excuse the painful behavior of the limerent object. In this way, that chain of positive and negative stimuli reinforces our limerence, aided by the release of large amounts of chemicals that produce intense pleasure, as we wait to find an action that confirms what our reasoning already knows to be false.
Yes — the waiting becomes part of the devotion. Each rare tenderness resets the clock, and the long absence is asked to begin proving itself all over again. No wonder returning things to their true size can feel, at first, like losing the only version of the story that still knew how to hope.
"Healing from limerence isn’t learning to convince yourself that nothing was real. It’s learning to become spacious enough to hold all of reality at once. The moments of genuine connection. The affection that may have existed. The ways you felt more alive. And also...The inconsistency. The self-abandonment. The uncertainty. The nervous system dysregulation. The relationship that never became stable enough to build a life upon. The illusion isn’t that there was no truth. The illusion is believing that one beautiful piece of truth outweighs everything else."
Wow...that paragraph alone spoke volumes to me. My healing is ongoing. Everything contained in that paragraph sums up the struggle for recovery.
My LO, a woman I had a relationship with for several years, activated my nervous system to lengths I never knew existed in me. I did not feel it so much while in the relationship, but after it ended, it was all I felt. It was both exhilarating and a source of intense pain when I thought of her. Love, lust, loss...the idea that this relationship was my cosmic connection and that I had somehow, despite geographic and relational realities - the uncertainties as you stated -I had come to believe in my heart that this was the one I let get away even though in my mind, I could list several things as to why that was not real.
Therapy has kept me in check from staying no contact, but like an addict, the cravings are still strong.
I am managing it but it would be a lie to say I am over the limerent feelings and thoughts. The temptation is strong to reach out, but I know that would lead to more pain.
Thank you for sharing this. I can feel how much work you've already done to be able to hold both sides of the experience at once.
One thing that stood out to me was what you said about not fully feeling the nervous system activation until after the relationship ended. I actually hear that from many people. Sometimes the relationship itself keeps us oriented toward hope and anticipation, and it's only once that hope is gone that the nervous system has space to fully register the loss, the uncertainty, and the intensity that was there all along.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it will help others feel less alone.
"One thing that stood out to me was what you said about not fully feeling the nervous system activation until after the relationship ended. I actually hear that from many people. Sometimes the relationship itself keeps us oriented toward hope and anticipation, and it's only once that hope is gone that the nervous system has space to fully register the loss, the uncertainty, and the intensity that was there all along."
Thanks you. It is a struggle. I vacillate between using intellectual reason and complete emotional overload.
That is interesting that there is a delayed effect. While the relationship was active, none of the limerent thoughts and emotions were present. It was after a period of time where the relationship had ended that my limerence began to appear. Its pattern was to wax and wane over the years. Within the last year, that has changed and it has become a constant.
I appreciate your work and please keep writing about this
I just finished a book called "Ambiguous Loss" by Dr. Pauline Boss you or your readers may find a bit interesting. According to the author, ambiguous losses are the most painful to resolve, if ever. They include ghosting, estrangement or NC, divorce, MIAs, even emotional loss due to dementia, etc...
Although not exclusive to romantic loss, this book has been very helpful in what I see as a crucial reframing skill that can take some sting out of limerence.
In its relation to limerence, there is a good deal about learning "both/and" thinking, similar to what you suggest in your most recent post. Someone could have BOTH loved us at one time, AND be unable to continue.
It's a powerful "blending" skill that I imagine takes practice, especially for anyone with a deeply logical or "fixing" brain like mine that craves clear-cut resolution. This can make these combined options often seem like polar opposites, impossible to coexist. Naming and begining to navigate this skill has brought some immediate relief for me.
Thank you for writing about this potential duality and for all you continue to offer.
Limerence may not invent the evidence. It alters the scale.
One tender moment becomes large enough to house a future; months of inconsistency are reduced to background noise. The facts remain real, but their proportions no longer are.
Healing may begin when the beautiful fragment is allowed to stay beautiful without being promoted into a verdict.
Beautiful! And completely agree.
We idealize the small positive aspects and overlook the negative ones, always searching for a reason to excuse the painful behavior of the limerent object. In this way, that chain of positive and negative stimuli reinforces our limerence, aided by the release of large amounts of chemicals that produce intense pleasure, as we wait to find an action that confirms what our reasoning already knows to be false.
Yes — the waiting becomes part of the devotion. Each rare tenderness resets the clock, and the long absence is asked to begin proving itself all over again. No wonder returning things to their true size can feel, at first, like losing the only version of the story that still knew how to hope.
"Healing from limerence isn’t learning to convince yourself that nothing was real. It’s learning to become spacious enough to hold all of reality at once. The moments of genuine connection. The affection that may have existed. The ways you felt more alive. And also...The inconsistency. The self-abandonment. The uncertainty. The nervous system dysregulation. The relationship that never became stable enough to build a life upon. The illusion isn’t that there was no truth. The illusion is believing that one beautiful piece of truth outweighs everything else."
Wow...that paragraph alone spoke volumes to me. My healing is ongoing. Everything contained in that paragraph sums up the struggle for recovery.
My LO, a woman I had a relationship with for several years, activated my nervous system to lengths I never knew existed in me. I did not feel it so much while in the relationship, but after it ended, it was all I felt. It was both exhilarating and a source of intense pain when I thought of her. Love, lust, loss...the idea that this relationship was my cosmic connection and that I had somehow, despite geographic and relational realities - the uncertainties as you stated -I had come to believe in my heart that this was the one I let get away even though in my mind, I could list several things as to why that was not real.
Therapy has kept me in check from staying no contact, but like an addict, the cravings are still strong.
I am managing it but it would be a lie to say I am over the limerent feelings and thoughts. The temptation is strong to reach out, but I know that would lead to more pain.
Thank you for sharing this. I can feel how much work you've already done to be able to hold both sides of the experience at once.
One thing that stood out to me was what you said about not fully feeling the nervous system activation until after the relationship ended. I actually hear that from many people. Sometimes the relationship itself keeps us oriented toward hope and anticipation, and it's only once that hope is gone that the nervous system has space to fully register the loss, the uncertainty, and the intensity that was there all along.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it will help others feel less alone.
"One thing that stood out to me was what you said about not fully feeling the nervous system activation until after the relationship ended. I actually hear that from many people. Sometimes the relationship itself keeps us oriented toward hope and anticipation, and it's only once that hope is gone that the nervous system has space to fully register the loss, the uncertainty, and the intensity that was there all along."
Thanks you. It is a struggle. I vacillate between using intellectual reason and complete emotional overload.
That is interesting that there is a delayed effect. While the relationship was active, none of the limerent thoughts and emotions were present. It was after a period of time where the relationship had ended that my limerence began to appear. Its pattern was to wax and wane over the years. Within the last year, that has changed and it has become a constant.
I appreciate your work and please keep writing about this
Hi Sarah.
I just finished a book called "Ambiguous Loss" by Dr. Pauline Boss you or your readers may find a bit interesting. According to the author, ambiguous losses are the most painful to resolve, if ever. They include ghosting, estrangement or NC, divorce, MIAs, even emotional loss due to dementia, etc...
Although not exclusive to romantic loss, this book has been very helpful in what I see as a crucial reframing skill that can take some sting out of limerence.
In its relation to limerence, there is a good deal about learning "both/and" thinking, similar to what you suggest in your most recent post. Someone could have BOTH loved us at one time, AND be unable to continue.
It's a powerful "blending" skill that I imagine takes practice, especially for anyone with a deeply logical or "fixing" brain like mine that craves clear-cut resolution. This can make these combined options often seem like polar opposites, impossible to coexist. Naming and begining to navigate this skill has brought some immediate relief for me.
Thank you for writing about this potential duality and for all you continue to offer.
Sincerely,
Kim A.
Thank you for sharing! Sounds like a great book to check out.