How learning to regulate our nervous systems is the key to transforming the world
Choice over addiction and survival
In relationships, it can be easy to get stuck in a “me vs. them” mindset rather than an “us as a team” mindset. However, the deeper I explore genuine intimacy, the more it’s becoming clear that my fight has never been with or about anyone else. It’s always been me versus my different nervous system states.
The power of being in a regulated nervous system state is so immense that as I’m starting to see the world change and shift around us in pretty terrifying ways, I’m becoming more and more convinced that learning how to regulate our nervous systems is the number one best tool in our arsenal. Both to show up for ourselves, for others, and for the world.
Because without knowing how to regulate our nervous system, despite our best intentions, we cannot show up for anyone very effectively.
This has been me for most of my life. Big promises. Big intentions. And then the minute I would get consistently dysregulated and triggered, all of those promises thrown out the window as I retreated with my tail between my legs. What just happened? Everything would seem so clear, and then suddenly everything changed and I could no longer access that clarity. It caused a deep mistrust with myself.
Now I know that it was due to nervous system dysregulation that was pulling me away from authentically showing up as myself, from being able to stay connected to my values or my goals, and was forcing me to operate from a limited place of survival which only ever had one goal in mind: run from whatever pain this is.
Run and run until you can’t run anymore. That was my only version of safety. Limerence fit in nicely because it provided a way to still indirectly get my needs met for connection, even if only through fantasy. These strategies worked to an extent. Running provided short-term relief, it got me away from my triggers and back into a state of calm where I could think clearly once more. But at what cost? And what did this mean? I could only be creative, calm, clear, and giving from a distance? Within a made up world spun by my mind? I couldn’t actually hold onto myself within relationships? What a depressing and limited life that would mean in the long run.
Luckily, there was another way.
I have been talking about how limerence is a brain state for awhile now, and about how there are many different brain states that we can enter into and perceive as reality for a limited period of time. Depression, OCD, panic, addiction, magnanimous joy…you name it.
Well, the thing is all of these different brain states lie within a broader nervous system and they give us very important information about where we lie on the spectrum from regulation to dysregulation and also clues to the specific practices and tools that can help us come back into a state of balance.
Let me get more specific. Our nervous system moves between three states: the sympathetic or fight or flight state, the parasympathetic dorsal vagal shut down state, and the parasympathetic ventral vagal social engagement state. (Note: There are two branches of the parasympathetic nervous system- one is the rest and digest, social and regulated branch that we want to consistently return to. Whereas the other is the full shut down and immobilization branch which only happens in response to cues of extreme danger.)
The sympathetic state is characterized by hyperarousal or when the system is is in overdrive. In this state everything feels urgent and it’s hard to slow down or feel at ease. Our nervous system is ramping up in order to respond to stress or threat.
This looks like:
Feeling anxious, restless, or irritable
Rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, increased stress hormones
Difficulty concentrating or sleeping (insomnia)
Being easily startled or feeling on edge
Physical signs like sweating, headaches, or nausea
Racing thoughts, rumination, limerent obsessing
Changes in appetite or digestive issues
Whereas in the parasympathetic shut down state, we experience hypoarousal, where the system is under-activated and low on energy.
This looks like:
Fatigue
Decreased motivation and difficulty concentrating
Protection through disconnection
Low mood or depression
Sleepiness
Dissociation
Slower heart rate and breathing
Neither of these dysregulated states allow us to access our clarity, creativity, insight, compassion, and problem-solving. They are by their very nature focused on threat and survival, which means their perspective is narrow, their strategies limited, and their goals self-protective. When we enter these states, our perception of the world starts to change before our eyes and everything can feel terrifying, hopeless, black and white, and/or urgent. Our values and higher needs may be pushed to the side while our survival strategies start to run the show.
Photo by Unsplash
Have you ever had the thought “I know this isn’t healthy for me, but I feel like I can’t walk away” or “without this person, the world holds no meaning. This is life or death for me.” Well, those are tell tale signs of being in a dysregulated nervous system state. It doesn’t matter what your mind and logic tells you, it doesn’t matter what your well-meaning friends or family say, when you are in this survival state, none of that matters. Your nervous system trumps everything else.
Until you can learn how to get your nervous system back into a state of embodied safety, your survival needs and compulsions will win out over your conscious logic time and time again.
This is why trying to fight limerence with our will can feel so powerless, because it is.
Limerence as a dysregulated nervous system state will always win; it’s a force that overpowers reason by its very nature. The nature of survival. It is your nervous system’s dysregulation in the driver seat and running your life. The only way out? To consistently over time learn how to bring your nervous system back into a regulated state. Only from a regulated state do we have the power of choice.
What does a regulated nervous system look like? This is the ventral vagal state of safety. It allows us to have access to our full selves.
It looks like:
Breathing and heart rate regulated
Feelings of safety, connection, calm, and grounded-ness
Ability to see the big picture
Ability to connect to others, take in faces, and connect to the world
Ability to access clarity, creativity, and compassion
Good digestion and quality sleep
Overall sense of well-being and resilience
When we are in this state, we are more resourced and can see more solutions. We can think creatively and calmly, rather than through the lens of fixation and urgency. This is the state we want to learn how to anchor into and come back to when we are in a state of dysregulation.
Photo by Hatice Baran
Because at the end of the day it’s not the people that are around us or the people in our relationships who are causing our suffering, it’s the brain states that are hijacking us and disconnecting us from ourselves and others that give us the most pain.
When I’m in a regulated nervous system state, absolutely nothing about my external circumstances can change, and suddenly the world feels full of possibility. Rather than wasting my time focusing on trying to control or change the environment around me, the people around me, or the world around me, when I can just spend my energy pouring into regulating my own nervous system state, then I promise you my relationship to and experience of the world changes.
Similarly, if as a collective we could learn to stop fixating externally on trying to control or change all of the things that are outside of our control and instead focus on teaching each other and practicing the tools to come into more consistent regulated nervous system states, then I promise you we would see the entire world change around us as well.
*This is the first part of a two part series. I will dive deeper into what it looks like to regulate your nervous system and what tools are required in the next post. In the meantime, let me know, what state do you find yourself hanging out in most of the time?
This is so good, Sarah. Thank you.